Dear Farmer Dave, I’m trying to learn how to play lap steel guitar but alas I suck. How do you do it so well?

To not suck at lap steel, you need to limit the scope of your ambitions with the instrument... start off by getting tones out of it without sliding all over the place! Just keep your sliding hand in one position and get used to applying pressure to the strings and getting a pretty sound... use a tuner and get that squared away...also, put on a record of the sounds of the ocean, or video footage of nature doing it's thing.. a field of bees or something, and play along to that.... I have to note however, that you can't be afraid of sucking... everybody has to to suck sometime, and you have to take risks! But be sure to celebrate your achievements along with the hardships, don't go tipping the canoe.